Posted: May 18, 2009 by fievel in Labels: ,

Do you think you are a good person? Think about it. From the time you developed any form of cognitive ability, in how many instances have you truly and utterly felt guilty without a shred of doubt and without the need to seek redress from your inner voice because even that voice is experiencing the same guilt. Of late, in a rather strange and unfamiliar way, I have been becoming increasingly aware of my flawed and self-centered character.

My plans to pursue a postgraduate degree in the States was kickstarted by what some might deem as lofty career goals, and then driven on by my selfish wanderlust, my dream of living a more "full" life. The little bits of preparation like getting my GRE done and pulling together application material such as recommendation letters has come full circle and I may be able to leave for Chicago soon.

My family has been supportive of my endeavours, but their very same act gnaw away at me. If their kindness gnaws, my fiancee's imminent sacrifice in this next episode of my life tears my conscience to shreds. Maybe Singapore's family campaign ad, Funeral, is getting to me subconsciously.

I am not the world's most decisive man, she will tell you. I will attempt at making life changing decisions only to change my mind again before she can even finish ridiculing me out of mock fun for the last stupid call I made. Her funny and light-hearted takes on our big decisions (which are going to inadvertently affect her with the strongest impact) is the reason my guilt is crystalizing. You see, she cannot work in USA with a spouse visa, not even after I have moved from school to the workplace. She is to remain economically redundant as an individual for several years till we receive a green card. Why have I not thought of all these before? Why the guilt now? Maybe it is fear, I don't know. I knew she was screaming out in silence and yet I pushed on with it till it is this close to D-day.

Today, I am close to another major change of decision and this time, I realized a couple of things. First of all, one should not feel obligated to stick to bad decisions, instead one should strive to avert bad decisions even at the last minute. Our lives can be defined equally by good decisions made as bad decisions pulled. Second, I realized the source and weight of my guilt from finally lifting it - my solution is Australia, a country where she is not restricted for work as a spouse, a country where she can maybe toy with her baking ambitions and come out happier for it.

As the Australian tourism TVC so fittingly puts it, "sometimes you have to get lost to find yourself".